Published March 4, 2014
We Missed Each
Other
Last night of summer
we stumbled barefoot onto the shore,
gazing up into the night,
“oohing” and “awing”
at the suspended sparkles and
you said, “it’s beautiful.”
Our eyes met as
a wave cracked against the sand
as the breeze lashed our hair
as the gulls cried in the dark
as our shoulders swayed closer
only to part.
I smiled and said “yeah, it is beautiful”,
unaware we were ending,
that our rails weren’t intersecting.
We missed each other
and we don’t even know what we missed.
With a grain of time between us,
we can only see the stars and wonder
“What could have been?
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140,194 Literary Works • 673,040 Reviews
Woah woah woah. Esther! I haven't seen you in ages! And here I run into this gorgeous poem of yours.
I really, really like this. I love the rhythm and the imagery. "A wave cracked against the sand." Cracked is a wonderful word to use there, it really sets the tone and puts a clear idea of both the sound and image. My favorite lines from this would have to be:
"I smiled and said “yeah, it is beautiful”,
unaware we were ending"
I don't know, I feel like the "ending" is referring to the relationship, but I couldn't help feeling like it was some apocalyptic setting and the world was ending, and that image plus the "we" just made a really cool impression in my head.
Awesome to see you again, I check back here once in a while but I haven't written anything lately. Hope you're doing well ^_^
Wow! this is such a lovely poem. I would like to hear more descriptive words on how the feeling was at the moment. Overall this is such a nice romantic love poem. Its really nice on how couples can feel like this about each other. Haha! I also like the part where you say "I smiled and said "yeah, it is beautiful" I could picture anyone that is in love having that moment. Good connections with real life makes it seem like a nice summer night when two love birds are thinking about each other being miles away from each other. Keep up the good work!
wooow this such a small piece of work with great meaning and fantasy about loved one.As a first time visitor here i really love this .you hav very good ideas
"eyes met as
a wave cracked against the sand
as the breeze lashed our hair
as the gulls cried in the dark
as our shoulders swayed closer
only to part."
this part of the poem is really romantic and very sweet.i love it
Hey there! Purple here to give you a review! First off, what is this talk about pancakes?? I only want them if they're 100% real and if they are hit me up. Let's get started!
This is a nice poem, nice job. The only issues I have with this are the lack of punctuation and this line "that our rails weren’t intersecting." Sometimes there was a need for commas like after the very first line and in the section where you described everything happening as a wave cracked against the sand. These things might have been your choice to avoid or not, it's just a suggestion to help the flow and the pauses. The problem I have with that particular line is that it had a completely different context and tone than the rest of the poem. I would suggest either editing this or omitting it. Overall, this was nice.
Keep up the good work and have a nice day!
~Purple
BOOM *appears in a dramatic smokebomb* I am here to review! I'm gonna earn those pancakes...
There were a few small things wrong with your poem, and being the OCD control freak that I am, I can't focus on the rest of your (beautiful) poem because I'm fixated on all the little, itty, bitty, teeny, tiny hitches.
Line one: I'm not sure if you meant "(The) Last night of summer" but if you didn't, I would like to suggest you put that word in there. It'll help the poem along more smoothly.
Line six: "you said, '(I in "it's" should be capitalized) beautiful'(period comes after)
Line thirteen: Same problem with capitalization as line six, unless it's a stylistic choice... your teacher, however, probably won't appreciate it, though.
Line twenty: You forgot the second quotation mark. Just a typo, I assume.
Otherwise, I would like to congratulate you on the GENIUS metaphor involving the train tracks, and not intersecting. Also, nice job with the metaphor of the stars to sparkles. Beautiful, masterful imagery in the beginning, nicely done. *Claps approvingly*.
So did I earn my pancakes?
You have earned your pancakes and more! Would you like them mailed to you? Thank you also for your speedy reply, as the rough draft is due soon. Thank you for the constructive criticism, as you made some good points. I am a short story writer and not a poet, so I'll take anything I can get. Is there a particular story or poem you would like me to review for you? I haven't been on YWS in years but I would like to return the favor.
I don't have anything in the green room, but I think I would like some more feedback on my short story I will Not call you Father . No problem, I've been perusing the Green Room since the high-volume alert anyway. I don't actually care about the pancakes, Soda can have them : P
I am only reviewing this so I get pancakes.
Lulz
First off, there could have been more spacing here. Or spacing at all really, because it is severely lacking. It makes it hard on my poor eyes to read one block of text.
However, given the form of this work, I'm not going to be too picky.
'a wave cracked against the sand
as the breeze lashed our hair
as the gulls cried in the dark
as our shoulders swayed closer'
I feel like the deliberate exclusion of punctuation here makes the lines quite hard to follow. Which I guess isn't necessarily a bad thing, give the pacing. XD Hmmm.
I smiled and said “yeah, it is beautiful” by intertwining this with text it again disrupts the flow, and I don't understand why you seem to have two interlinking story lines going on here, I don't know which to give my attention to first.
The title indicated that this work would be quite sloppy, and it is very romantic and idealistic, however, still an enjoyable read.
*gives pancakes*
Thank you. Do you have recommendations for the spacing? Also, (and I'm not being defensive) what about the title indicated that this work would be sloppy? Would you like anything reviewed in return?
The concept of the title itself! lol. XD
*noms pancakes* Thank you. XD
Spacing... between stanzas, you decide where each point you want to say ends. And... yeah, just pick a work of mine and review please. THat would be great. Thanks.